Life continues to throw lessons and perspective at me that I’m not a fan of, although I’m trying REALLY hard to practice what I preach and be grateful for the lessons and dive into why God is testing me the way he is lately. Today is my blog day and I’ve fought with myself since yesterday on what I wanted to write about and my thoughts are completely consumed. I’ve promised to be real and raw so here goes. Full transparency, it’s been a real crappy handful of days. When you are going along with your day and you feel that your life is headed in one direction and then suddenly you have the rug pulled out from under you, you have every right to be sad. I’m trying every trick I have (and that I’m currently capable of) to pull myself out of the sadness. What I really want to do is drive to the ocean, go on a long hike and sit on the waters edge for a handful of days…but, then there is reality ( I need my damn knee fixed). Ironically in my last blog, I talked about creating a Happy List. Although, I’ve now had to alter my list…it did help to get me out of a bit of a rut yesterday of drowning in my tears. I chose to wipe my tears and cook, write and read – those things bring me joy. It helped…temporarily, but it helped.
Funny (for lack of a better word) how quickly your life can change. One minute I’m happily attempting skiing again and then bam, ACL torn. One minute I feel like I’ve met the love of my life and the next, we are no longer together. When you lose someone you truly care about and they are still alive, it feels like grieving. I’ve never been broken up with…and this is a perspective (damn me and my word of the year) that I didn’t want to experience in my lifetime. I want a list of what I did wrong, what didn’t I do, what did I do…I’m sure you want to know why too (only because people are nosey). The truth of the matter is, it just doesn’t matter. If someone wants to be with you, they will fight for you and WANT to be with you. The ‘why’ aspect is completely irrelevant. After days of questioning my worth and value, I keep reminding myself that I AM enough. It’s OK that I love hard, it’s OK that I crack wide open with nothing to hide, it’s OK that after being in a prior traumatic relationship that I put myself out there again only to be crushed, it’s OK that I’m just not OK right now. As my daughter reminded me of my saying…It’s OK to not be OK, you just can’t stay there.
I have edited this post SO many times, as this is so fresh and I’m feeling very vulnerable. The details are personal and I’m not mad at this person and respect his choices – hurts like hell, but I respect it. I’m grateful for the time we had and have been reflecting on all of the amazing memories and lessons I learned while we were together – I will be forever grateful for the time we had, he’s an amazing man. Feelings aren’t a light switch and I pray they start to fade and I continue to heal. I will dive deep into busying myself while I mend my broken heart.
Those of you that have been broken up with – I now see you…I mean, I wish I didn’t, but I do. My daughter said ‘Welcome to the Club’…uh, I didn’t sign up for this club and I want a refund. This is a whole different kind of hurt. One I know I will recover from, it just might take me a bit.
Perfect time for me to start a new book. I just finished ‘The Secret to Love, Health & Money’…such a fantastic book that I will continue to refer to, but I can’t help but giggle at the title and my situation. I started ‘Let Them’ this morning by Mel Robbins. Good timing for me to just Let Them and Let Me. Please don’t be sad for me, I’m sad enough for all of us right now and this quote below hit home really hard. I’m a BIG Good Morning and Goodnight person, as this says, it’s more than just the words. This is going to take some getting used to. Here’s a reminder to those IN relationships…your words matter, your actions matter. Make that person feel like the most special person on the planet and they should make you feel the same. Don’t take your person for granted.
I continue to learn the hard way that life truly is a paradox. You need the rough roads to make the beautiful roads that much more magical. May this new week bring new blessings and continual healing to all of you. Healing is definitely a constant journey and I’m not letting up on the gas pedal on this journey of mine. I’m worth it and I’m enough – and so are you! Permission to buy yourself flowers or buy some for someone else. My son surprised me with flowers on Valentine’s Day (I sobbed like a baby) and my daughter’s sweet boyfriend also got me flowers. Thoughtful boys who knew I needed something to smile about. Let’s focus on those things that bring us joy and remind ourselves that no matter what – we are perfect just the way we are, don’t you dare change for anyone!
