Yes, I struggle too

Yep, the strong one completely crumbled. Remember when I said healing isn’t linear, well, I’m living proof of that. So, let me preface this post by saying…please read until the end. I debated on posting this multiple times, but again, the purpose of this blog is to be real, raw and honest with the hopes of helping others not feel alone. Feeling alone is a real crappy feeling…and I just had that awful alone feeling again, its been a while.

I’m not looking for sympathy or I’m sorry. Please don’t feel bad for me. I’m blessed and grateful…and I’m human. I felt awful just a handful of days ago and looking back at the things I wrote and said, I don’t recognize that person. You know when you say to someone, ‘I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine how you feel’. There is so much truth to that, you truly don’t know what something feels like until you experience it. I felt gut punched on Christmas Day and I felt so much hurt not only for myself but for others. Then I started going down a rabbit hole of sadness. I say that I don’t have depression, but that has to have been what that was. I was sad for my situation and then I started feeling guilty for feeling sad and mad at myself for not having more empathy for those that have lost loved ones, those that are spending Christmas alone, those that can’t afford the Christmas they want…the list goes on, and so did my tears. I was in deep.

So, here goes…a few days leading up to Christmas my daughter moved home (happy Mom heart) and we had a fun day together. Presents were wrapped, baking was done and all was good. I knew my ex was coming into town and kept telling myself I was fine. The last thing I wanted was to run into him in my small town. I still have quite a bit of anger toward that man. I’m a work in progress, and working on releasing that (Yes, I’m making a therapy appointment). So, flash forward to Christmas Eve and my kids, my daughter’s boyfriend and I all headed to my brothers for a beautiful celebration. Surrounded by so much family, friends, love…and food. Gosh, the food was amazing. It was truly a great night (although I was really bummed my Mom, Dad and boyfriend weren’t there).

The kids and I get home and we decided to open presents at midnight on Christmas Eve. I thought, what a fun new tradition. We played games, laughed and made it to about 11:45 and opened our presents. My heart was so full. We woke up (very early – it’s payback time) to be with my cousin and his sweet family on Christmas morning. So fun to be around little ones on Christmas – makes it a little more magical. When we all got back home, we were pooped and all took naps. My kids were heading to celebrate with their Dad and his family in the afternoon (where I have celebrated every Christmas for the last 23 years). I literally thought I was fine and as soon as the door shut, I burst into tears. Like ugly, uncontrollable tears. It was kind of like being on a super high and knocked down to a super low, like the rug being pulled out from under you.

I proceeded to stay in bed from 1 PM (when they left) until the evening, when I got out of bed to say Hi when they got home, made a little plate of food and went right back to bed. I was drowning in my own sorrows. I wasn’t ‘fine’. I wouldn’t respond to text messages, I was my own worst enemy. I woke up the next morning and took Christmas down immediately (pretty sure that was the first time ever I took Christmas down so early). I couldn’t stop crying, I was a mess. Every time I thought it was my turn to hang out with my kids, they were off to hang out with him. Whether this was perception or reality, it was my reality and it was cutting me deep.

I was my own worst enemy.

I cried myself to sleep AGAIN and woke up in the morning and thought that I needed to do something for me and stop waiting for others to ask me to do something. I showered, packed a lunch (I made the yummiest sandwich) and just started driving. I was first led to the airport and sat in the waiting area and ate part of my sandwich in the car. Still tears at any given moment. I thought, what could I do that is completely mindless where I don’t think about anything. My first thought was honey walnut prawns at Cache Creek Casino. I hadn’t been there in over 10 years. The rain started to clear and the sky was beautiful by the time I got there. I chatted with the little old ladies at the machines, won some money (I was on a lucky streak) and got my fried rice and shrimp.

When I got home, I was still in a bit of a funk. I chatted with my boyfriend (so grateful for him) and decided to pack and go see him the next morning. I did exactly that. I texted my kids that I was leaving and wasn’t sure when I was coming back (that I have since apologized for profusely – what a terrible text). No excuses, but I’ve read that text multiple times and truly don’t recognize that person. I was ready to talk and had a great chat with my boyfriend and the veil started to lift. I was being dished perspective left and right over those last handful of days. I was choosing to drown in my tears. What was I so upset about?

I kept asking myself – why does the person that treated me so poorly get all the attention? Why does everything get dropped when he comes to town? Why does everyone just forget about what he’s done to me? It’s MY holiday week too and I don’t get to hang with my kids. In retrospect, it doesn’t matter what HE gets, or how others choose to treat him, it’s not about HIM…its about my kids. I want the world for my kids and I want them to be happy, I was making it worse.

Here is where my gratitude lies, I was able to pull myself out. I know that is NOT easy for some and you aren’t alone. I have a saying that you can have a bad day or two, you just can’t stay there. Perhaps write down the things that can help pull you out, then you can refer to it when you are feeling down again. It will happen, not all days are good days. It’s what we do with those bad days that gives us more tools…more power. Please, PLEASE, if you are struggling, as now I know firsthand how hard the holidays especially can be – reach out to someone…anyone! Write about it, voice clip about it (this is powerful to hear the tone in your voice later), please do what works for you but remember YOU need to do SOMETHING. No one can pull you out but YOU!

Lastly, perspective! You are here, you woke up this morning – that is reason enough to keep pushing and to keep fighting for the life you want. Ironically, on Christmas morning, we were driving and the sky on one side was completely dreary and grey and the picture below is what the other side of the sky looked like. SO gorgeous. It’s all in the way you look at things, what lens do you want to see things? I was CHOOSING the grey, when there was so much beauty right in front of me – SO much to be grateful for. We need to CHOOSE BEAUTY!

A few things…again, please reach out to someone if you are feeling alone and in a dark space. My heart goes out to those of you that struggle during the holidays, you aren’t alone. I LOVED looking at all of the pictures of my family and friends celebrating, please don’t feel bad for having a beautiful holiday…however, I ask that you move forward with empathy toward others – perspective. I will be reaching out to others more myself. A reminder that you can have a bad day, please don’t stay there. AND, who cares how other people treat someone that has wronged you…that’s their story, not yours. Permission to buy yourself flowers and permission to do something JUST FOR YOU – YOU MATTER! By the way, this book I’m reading ‘The Secret to Love, Health, and Money’ is a powerful one. Excited to finish and move on to ‘Let Them’ by Mel Robbins. 2025 is going to be amazing – claim it! Much love!