This month is the one year anniversary of my blog. It has been over a month since I have posted a blog entry. To say I’ve been busy living my life, exploring and doing other things…well, that is just an excuse. If I’m being honest with myself, I completely got off track, overwhelmed and I cracked. This last week I was reminded why this blog is so important to myself and others.
I’m going to get a little vulnerable here and share that I had a bit of breakdown, bout of depression or something that just wasn’t quite right this last week. I’m not going to dwell on what it was or how I got there, I would like to focus on how I pulled myself out…and much faster than I have previously. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had one of these types of episodes – that is NOT a brag, that is just a matter of reference. When I was in the thick of it, the tears were in great abundance at the drop of a hat and I did not want to speak to or see anyone. I was just so very sad. I’m not even sure what triggered it, as I felt fine in the morning and then wham. In hindsight, it wasn’t out of nowhere, it was a complete build up of the stresses of life. THIS…
In those times, it is an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Even though I have a beautiful and supportive circle of family and friends, I convince myself that sharing what I’m going through is burdensome and doesn’t even compare to what others are dealing with – my struggles don’t matter. But, let’s be honest, in the end…it IS just us with our own thoughts and decisions and sometimes that is just too much to handle. It was a pity party for one.
We are our own worst enemy and best friend all wrapped into one
As I was in the thick of this, I received a message from someone that really hit me. Sharing the realities of life and the ‘not so picture perfect’ path is so important. Between that one message and others that reached out, when I finally shared that I was having a down day – the support and love I felt was immense. The feeling that the things I share and the words I write matter and how very valuable it is to be raw and real – people need to feel a connection to their journey…know that we aren’t alone on this roller coaster of life. There were two pieces of advice that stood out the most that I wanted to share…
- ‘Crumbling is good for a restart – proud of you’
- This person just gave me space, made me feel validated that it was OK to feel this way, said she was there when I was ready and gave great advice…having someone tell you they are proud of you feels good too
- A complete understanding of what I was going through (like she was in my head) and then told me to blast Wilson Phillips.
- As I was laying in bed the next morning with tears streaming down my face ‘Alexa – play Wilson Phillips radio’ – Wilson Phillips radio for the win! This whole message was straight out of a book of ‘what to say to your friend when they are on a downward spiral’
Let’s peel this wide open guys and give ourselves full permission to not have it all figured out. It’s OK…
- To not have a plan
- To eat that piece of chocolate cake
- To start over in your 50’s…or at ANY age
- To be completely silly and laugh at yourself
- To be vulnerable and admit that you are struggling and could use someone to talk to
- To be proud of yourself – even during the messy times
- To stray from steps you know will help you reach a goal
This list could go on and on – perhaps make one that is real for you. I think the key to all of this permission is to understand reality. I know that I am most driven when I have a plan and do the small things to accomplish a goal…but it’s OK to veer off that path now and then. You just need to get back ‘on track’ – whatever that looks like for you, as soon as you can. That is my tool for pulling myself out. I think I just gave myself permission that it’s OK and not beat myself up that I left my blog for over a month. I guess I needed a break…and that’s OK! Most importantly, when we are in that deep space and start saying all of those awful things about ourselves, let’s remember to Love Ourselves. Please listen to this song below…here is my favorite excerpt:
I love you, I don’t say it enough
I love who you are, who you’ve become
Don’t know why I cannot hear it
‘Less it comes from someone else
But I’ma find a way to finally feel itWhen I say it to myself
In the end, we really don’t have anyone to answer to, but ourselves. We tend to put SO many pressures on ourselves when no one else knows what our overall plan is. I didn’t think this would be my ‘plan’ in life…but man oh man, am I enjoying the heck out of my life and I couldn’t imagine being in any other place than I am right now, even though it is really tough at times. I’m far from having it all figured out, but I’m learning to dive into the journey and not take life so seriously. There is SO much joy in the process. It will all unfold the way it’s supposed to and I’m here for all of the lessons, joys and adventures along the way.
It’s so wild how it all comes back to – it is OK to not be OK, you just can’t stay there. I will get back to my blog schedule and continue to be vulnerable and share my reality. We need to ride the high’s and make a mental note of how euphoric that feels…so when you get hit out of nowhere with a really rough day, you know that it won’t last and you have tools to pull yourself out. Permission to not have it all figured out…it’s OK! Please do yourself a favor and actually write down what your tools are to pull yourself out of a funk. We all need to know what works for us.
What did I learn from this downward spiral? Lean into loving myself more, make a list of joys and ways to bring myself out of a dark space, know who your people are and reach out to them when needed AND don’t hide the messy parts of life…lean into them, learn from them and share them – you might help pull someone else out too! Go buy yourself some flowers and as always, thank you for being on this journey with me – together we can make a difference in our own lives and in the lives of others. Cheers!
